Heart

Listen

I deeply appreciate the ability of art to trigger unconscious aspects of ourselves lurking at the precipice of conscious awareness awaiting our attention.

I’ve seen this image before, years ago, and was touched by its meaning back then. (Yet, what did I see and what did it mean back then? I ponder.)

I have a vague recollection of thinking of this image over the past couple of days. But today, as it appeared in my Instagram feed, it feels as though I truly saw it today, was truly touched by it and as such was able to truly appreciate its meaning (e.g. me in it). It sent me into a type of introspection that it is not so much analytical as it is revelatory in its allowing of whatever is being triggered to arise as is.

What arose was possible because I’m embarking on creative projects or being presented with opportunities that begin to realise certain things I enjoyed doing and wanted to do and be as a child. This includes finally acting upon a lifelong desire to learn how to DJ in February 2020 after a few false starts. ("Like, finally", my inner child (heart) says to me!) And through accepting and acting upon that desire finally, she feels able to remind me of the other things I enjoyed or was deeply passionate and obsessive and anal about doing. And I've said yes to them. I’m saying yes.

Not following through with these ideas, seeds of ideas and intuitions was nothing short of death to me; to who I really I am, as such inserting an anti-me in its place. Self denial = death.

My true heart always desires connection which I have come to see can only occur from a place of truth. This desire, however, was covered over with much resentment and hatred accumulated through hurt and pain and the fear of hurt and pain.

Whilst deep in my inner work a few years ago I recall experiencing a recurring stigmata of an image of me and my arms reaching out for connection through true expression only to be met with rejection stunting my expression. At the time I wondered what psychological connection this had/has with Freud's castration theory but more on this in a separate post - perhaps. This rejection resulted in a fear of reaching out for connection, created the unconscious pattern that there was no point in reaching out- ever, and as such an almighty contraction of self which felt like being inverted, reversed, turned inside out.

As I type this, I'm struck by the fact that I can barely recall the stigmata which says a lot about how much I’ve healed around it. The fact I still feel a twinge in this area, however, means there is more to do, such as writing this.

Whilst reading material a few years ago about the absolute importance of feeling our feelings and moving our e-motions right through, the stigmata I experienced was included in there as an archetypal event in relation to the archetypal heart which it described as out reaching arms only to be pushed back/rejected. You can imagine my surprise! But what my stigmata signified, I concluded, was and is at once personal and archetypal and thus collective and thus personal to others.

I could relate this to my upbringing, my parents, various experiences etc. and I have worked on those things deeply meaning that now it's predominantly about the ways in which I have rejected and smacked away beautiful ideas and intuitions that have arisen in me in favour of preventing that hurt and pain that can come from ideas being judged, rejected, not reflecting the status quo, not being of my “culture”, being different, weird etc. etc. This rejection perpetuated my original heartbreak. I learned through my inner work that it was my parents (personal and archetypal [?]) and not a boy who broke my heart first leading to its gradual and sustained death - which means heartlessness right?

But as I heal and reconnect and feel my heart, feel my heart, feel my heart, become my heart, I repent. I fucking repent. Which means I say yes. And if it’s not a full yes, I feel the feelings around it (terror, fear, shame etc.) which could inform me of something actually. And I'll only say yes when my entire being is a full yes because I now know right timing and not overriding myself is also of absolute importance. And my heart understands this now. Because the connection begins from within. Mind, body, soul, heart. Thoughts, sensations, feelings, emotions...desires. All in alignment.

Yes.

P.s. The Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu is a go to book for me - periodically. The wisdom contained therein cannot be explained, it can only be experienced and I'd highly recommend it.

But, anyway after writing this post, I opened the book on a random page and read:

Written 13th June 2021 xx